Wednesday, December 22, 2010

testing the water

In the last 24 hours I have stepped off the edge of an uncertain cliff. Yet instead of falling away to nothing, I find myself landed on an unfamiliar and strange path, smelling, touching, seeing things in a new way. Its like waking up in someone else's body in another place. Before you ask, no, I have not taken too much acid and believe I'm on the set of Avatar.

It all started while joking around with a friend that my ex was possibly a psychopath, we looked it all up on the internet. Suddenly we were immersed in an entire sub-community dedicated to this very real slice of everyday humanity. People are forever in search of validation and acceptance and will find a way, any way, to reach out and connect with those who they can mirror with, but I have never found so large a group willing to share on the internet as sociopaths and their victims.

There are pages and pages of information about sociopaths and the effect that they have on others. Pages for sociopaths by sociopaths, pages for sociopaths by psychologists, pages by sociopaths for empaths, pages by sociopaths for no one, pages by haters, pages by “victims”. I had accidentally walked into the contents of my own head. Here was the validation I was looking for, my very own mirror. After hours of reading I found this and this blog changed my entire perception about the last year of my life and possibly my whole life.

So it turns out my little joke about my ex being a sociopath wasn't that funny after all. After spending half a day on the net reading real life testimonies from sociopaths and their so called victims, I realise my ex is most likely a sociopath. Not in a Hillside Strangler, or Carl Panzram kind of way, but enough of one to have caused me some considerable distress.

When people hear the word “sociopath”, they are instantly reminded of headline news stories about cold calculating serial killers, tv shows like CSI, and the asshole kid in the neighbourhood who tortures small animals for fun. But in actual fact, while all serial killers are most likely sociopaths, not all sociopaths are serial killers. You could easily make the same analogy about empaths and florists (empaths – the word sociopaths use to describe people who aren't sociopaths). The truth is more like this, all people are different, think differently, feel differently. At one end of the scale are terrible psycopaths capable of terrible things and at the other end are people who are so sensitive they never come out from under their beds. Everything in the middle passes for normal, well whatever normal means.

What is interesting for me however is that although I have always considered myself to be a highly sensitive person, I am now shocked to discover that I have sociopathic traits also. I have always been intrigued with the workings of the mind. I have a morbid fascination with serial killers and the cold detached way in which they deal with the bad things they do. I have often found that I can detach myself quite easily when I need to and my intellect simply takes over. I have always wondered what this meant (with a little shame), and now I understand. However I still have my highly sensitive side to deal with. I have learned to embrace this side of myself, as it means I can see and feel things others don't, but in other ways its a complete pain in the ass.

Right now I am at the mercy of both of these aspects of myself, my sensitive side cripples me at times and I don't know my sociopathic side well enough to use it more to my advantage. I am sick of counsellors and self help books. I am sick of trying to understand and discover myself. I just want to be myself. So I am writing this blog hoping that frank conversations with sociopaths, empaths, or anyone, can shed some light on my strange predicament and give me and others some helpful tools. I also loathe with a passion those bleeding heart websites that allow people to rake over the coals of their shattered lives over and over again – no phoenix will ever arise from that bullshit I tell you now.

Ciao =)